I didn’t know I was pregnant…

by Sarah | May 15, 2009 | All About Me, Crap

I used to hear stories of women that claimed they didn’t know they were pregnant and gave birth thinking they had heartburn or gastritis.  I thought they were insane.  How could you NOT know?  When I was pregnant with my first I had symptoms before I knew. With my second it took a couple weeks to sink in, but I knew.  I got HUGE with my first, but only had a bump for my second. 

So I thought all these women were nuts.

Then it happened to me.

When Riley was born we agreed that was it. Two was our limit. We were done, finito, kaput.  I was breastfeeding, had the pill and we took…other precautions.  At no time was there less than 3 forms of birth control happening.

When Riley was 4 months old her reflux came to the forefront, as did her FTT. I stopped breastfeeding and switched to formula in a desperate attempt to have her gain weight (what a joke…but that’s a diferent story). 

All of the health care visits for Riley kept me busy.  Not to mention working nights waitressing.  I was busy, tired, and not paying much attention.

In December I wrote the following on my LiveJournal entry:

I feel pregnant still/again. Nearly 100% sure I’m not…because it would be almost physically impossible to be…and if I was, I’d be about 6 months along right now and a bit bigger than I am…so I think I have another cyst. Probably pretty nasty too, because when I was taking a bath the other night I realized one side of my abdomen is relatively solid. There’s definitely something in there. I’m still 10 lbs. above pre-preggers weight and I don’t eat a ton…I eat like I always have. My boobs are still a cup size over pre-preggers and leaking…and I’m moody as Hell…I’ve started getting the sharp pains around my ovary area that I got when I had my last one…but they aren’t as frequent.

So what did I do?  Nothing. 

January came around and about mid-month my eyes flew open at 5:30AM.  Mind you, I am nowhere near a morning person – if I DO Wake up at that time I’m usually half-dead.  But no, that day I woke up WIDE awake.  I placed my hand on my stomach and said, “What the hell?”  It felt like a baby kicking. 

So what did I do?  Blew it off as gas.

It was another TWO WEEKS before I randomly picked up a pregnancy test at the grocery store for kicks.  Because really…there was NO WAY I was pregnant!  Right?

Test came up positive.  I freaked.  Bawling my eyes out crying.  All the reasons we could NOT have another kid racing through my head I called Archie and asked him to come home.  Despite my protests that I couldnt tell him over the phone, he forced it out of me and was home 20 minutes later. 

I still didn’t believe it.  I called the doctor’s office and my wonderful nurse (LOVE her!) told me to come in first thing in the morning and she’d draw the blood.  I had to wait another 24 hours but my wonderful nurse (again, LOVE her) called me before they even opened to let me know she’d snuck a peak into the computers pre-paperwork and gotten my results.  I was in fact pregnant.  She then said…

“Let me see if we can get schedule you in about 4 weeks out. By these numbers I’d say you’re very early, about 4 weeks.”

My response was immediate:

“No.  You don’t understand.  My FIRST symptom was the baby kicking!  I think I’m WAY beyond 4 weeks.”

In shock she agreed that we had to get in for an ultrasound ASAP. 

4 days later I found out the sex of the baby…on her first ultrasound. 

I was 23 weeks. 

She was born at 36 weeks.

The doctor said I set a speed record for him in pregnancies.

In my defense, after this visit my pregnancy did far more than set a speed record.  It was like the minute my pregnancy was confirmed my body took it as a big thumbs up to REALLY let loose.

I had SEVERE pain (Pubic Symphysis Diastasis) – so bad I couldn’t roll over in bed at night. I blew up and looked pregnant within a week (I hadn’t up until then). I was put on modified bed rest within a month of my ultrasound – true bedrest when I went into pre-term labor at 35 weeks (lifted @36 weeks).  It became almost a nightmare once I knew I was pregnant…

But for 23 weeks I didn’t know I was pregnant!

Be careful when you Google…

by Sarah | May 9, 2009 | All About Me, Crap

It can open up such a can of worms.

I once told the story of Alex* and how it came to be that I became single mother. 

When I left North Carolina and eventually filed for full custody his last words to me were ugly and mean.  He didn’t show up for the custody hearing, and on the advice of my lawyer I asked that if he was granted visitation that it be supervised. The judge agreed and he was granted visitation rights at a supervised location.

He never tried to see his son. He never called again, emailed again.  When I sent letters to let him know of our change of address he didn’t sign – his grandparents did. 

I had nightmares of what would happen.  That one day he’d suddenly decide to see his son and my world would be torn apart. 

HOW would I explain to my son what happened?  I swore when he was a baby I would never say a cross word about his dad, and I never have. I want him to make his own decision based on the role Alex* chose to play in his life. 

Then we grew and changed. We found Archie. The nightmares were still there, but they eased. The guilt I carried from the past eased.  Brandon never asked about his real father or why his name is diferent from Archie’s. Ever.

Three months ago I was googling. I googled myself (except for my online screen name there isn’t anything about the real me out there).  I googled my dad (there’s tons for him…he’s a top notch guy).  My mom…not much there either.

Then I went into my past.  I searched for an old friend (Kathy R, my Moe…I still cannot find you!) or two or three.  Then for some unknown reason I googled him. My brain dredged up his old screen name and found him on myspace.

I went to his page. I saw pictures of him from recently. I learned where he’s living now. I saw that he’s still single…and there is no mention of his son on his myspace page. I’ve since joined facebook and he’s there, but private. 

It reopened everything for me.  The fears, the worries.

We have since talked to Brandon about it. He’s at turns distraught and confused and at others acts like nothing happened.  He has many questions.

He wants to meet Alex.

I’ve lied for the first time. I told him I didn’t know where Alex is. That the picture I showed him was an old one of mine. In truth I only know the AREA Alex is and I’m sure I could find him…but I don’t want to. This is all too new, too fresh to Brandon and he needs time to process before we drag the skeletons out of the closet.

I don’t ever want to make that call. I don’t ever want him to express interest in knowing his son. I want our lives as they have been…but the info is out there and as he gets older, he’ll want to ask more questions. He’ll be able to find him all by himself. 

I pray that I’ve raised him with enough love and happiness that nothing will change when this happens. 

I fear daily that it will.

~~~~

*Alex is a pseudonym chosen for the sperm donor. Not his real name.

Apparently, I’m NOT a hypochondriac…

by Sarah | May 5, 2009 | All About Me, Crap

From the time I was little I’ve been warned against being a hypochondriac.  My Nana was one…and I had a tendency toward it.  In today’s world of the WWW that tendency can get nice and complicated with self-diagnosis via webmd and all of those wonderful sites.  I have to say that overall, though – I’m pretty good at avoiding my tendency toward it.

Then again, in order to AVOID being a hypochondriac I go the opposite way and NEVER go to see the doctor. 

Sunday afternoon I felt a burst of heartburn coming on. I don’t get it often, but a few times recently it’s reared its head.  So, I went to the bathroom, threw down a couple of Tums and sat back down to relax in front of the computer.

The Tums didn’t help – in fact the pain got worse.  And worse.  And even worse. I stood up to get Archie and didn’t make it two steps before I collapsed onto the couch.  It took four attempts for me to scream for Archie loud enough for him to hear and come inside.   The pain was excruciating and radiated through to my back. I was bawling and screaming…it was ugly and embarrassing.

After much debate I finally just told him to call the paramedics (the girls were napping, boy wasn’t home and we weren’t sure when he’d get back)…especially because I couldn’t get to the car under my own power. 

He called the paramedics and our neighbor came across the street to start checking my vitals (he is qualified – it’s not random)…and by the time he did that and the paramedics arrived the pain was mostly subsided and I just felt nauseous.

But I got loaded into the ambulance and taken to the ER.  My very adorable EMT-in-training did my IV…and I gave him an A+ because I hate having IV’s done…and I didn’t hardly feel it when he did it.

By the time I got the ER I was feeling really stupid because the pain really was pretty much all gone and I was only a little nauseous…and I was wondering if I’d just overreacted as always…

An EKG, bloodwork and ultrasound were done…and the ER doctor came in to say…

“You have a very ugly gall bladder.”

I was admitted and scheduled for surgery the next day!  The doctor’s and nurses kept wondering at how I’ve never had any pain from it (I really haven’t – Sunday was my first ever attack)…and how I was sitting around smiling and joking with all of the nurses and my family.  Apparently I was so filled with stones in the gall bladder and duct that I should have been in constant pain.  So I was impressing everyone without even trying…

Now I’m home without my gall bladder and with 4 holes in my belly. 

Well, at least I get to be waited on by my husband.  He’s so wonderful and attentive…I should get at least 3 more good lazy days out of this!

You’re with Stupid

by Sarah | Mar 6, 2009 | All About Me, Crap

Due to a grievous injury I stupidly caused to myself…

I’m currently hopped up on pain pills and unable to bring you the post that’s been sitting in my drafts for the past two days. It will be presented at my earliest convenience…and lucidity.

And yes, I will tell the FULL story of my own stupidity soon. seriously, you’ll laugh your a$$ off – my mother did.

If only it was a musical…

by Sarah | Feb 18, 2009 | All About Me, Crap

I’m sure no one noticed…but I haven’t posted in five days.  This was not in my plans…but it’s what happened.  The biggest reason is my life is NOT a musical…

For those that didn’t know – a little over two years ago I had my uterus and my very offensive remaining ovary wrenched from my body in what turned out to be a rather painful affair between my doctor and his scalpel (he knicked a nerve making recovery just a wee bit longer).  

ANYWAY, it was the best thing I’ve done and I’m so thrilled to never ever have to worry about what time of the month it is or the need to spend thousands of dollars on “products”  I’ve never ever complained…

Unless I’ve run out of hormone meds while simultaneously having an argument with my hubby, my BFF having plans all weekend and us not talking AT ALL, my daughters turn into raving lunatics and paint their room brown, and the most horrible of disgusting holidays occurs…ALL AT ONCE.

Which happened to all happen this past weekend.  Starting Thursday/Wednesday night. 

By the time I was feeling better it was Monday – but I was wrapped up in a few things…

1. The Wolverine movie previews that Fox was showing.  I watched them OVER and OVER…I LOVE me some Hugh Jackman Wolvie…YUMM…
2. I was reading, finishing, and lamenting my wait for the next novel in the House of Nightseries.  It’s YA vamp and I lurve it…
3. I was digesting my reading of that other YA vamp series that’s OH SO POPULAR…She challenged me by calling me biased (I hate that) so I read it. And to be even more fair, I picked up the other books in the series to see if I liked it more with passage (I really didn’t like the first one).  I’ve read all of the second, and half of the third. I’ll post my thoughts when I finish. And no, I won’t name it because I don’t think it deserves any further recognition…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you live under a rock.
4. Did I mention the Wolvie previews?  Yeah…check them out. Yummy hotness and humor.  I’m chomping at the bit here…seriously…

Oh, I’ve read about ten books in just the past month, which is half of what I read this past YEAR.  I’m looking for major recommendations for more books.  I’ll even take suggestions for ebooks since I’ve learned that my new laptop is rather easy on the eyes (though I’d die for a Kindle).  I’ll read almost anything.  I love fantasy, sci-fi, romance, historical fiction…just about anything…I’ve even read erotica (but I’m choosy on that 😉 )

So anyway…reccommend me some books.  I need to build on my To Be Read pile…it shrank down a LOT in the past month!!

I promise… Iwll NOT forget to call in my hormone patches again next month.  It was seriously not pretty.  Of course that horrible psuedo-holiday VD won’t be around to bother me then…