The Guilt

mybroodSomeone recently asked if I carry guilt.

Unwarranted guilt.

Two kids with CF.

One with Autism.

The truth of the matter is…

Yes.

Every day.

Most days I am able to ignore it.

Most days I’m able to ease Erik’s guilt over the wholething.

To continue forward and do what we must do. What we have to do. To live our lives.

Because I love them.

And wish I could take their challenges onto myself.

I try to never let them see it.

Or feel it.

I don’t know that it’s something we’ll ever shake. Or be able to fully let go of. There are risks in the future if they have kids. There are risks in the future of how their lives will turn out.

But I’d feel guiltier if they weren’t happy.

And I believe they are.

I hope they are.

I hope they always will be.

 

Hump Day Hook 38 – The Tribe

KaneAnother Hump Day Hook!

I’m diving back into The Tribe this week.  I’ve started edits on Dark Territory, but in between I’m still working on The Tribe. The more I work on it again, the more I remember how much I love it.

This time I’m presenting you with Reed, my heroines husband (arranged marriage, they’re best friends) and the hero – Kane.  Neither of the men can find Velli, despite numerous means of searching. They both know something is very wrong…oh, and they don’t get along so well:

“Whatever you are doing isn’t working. So how can you be sure? There’s something seriously wrong. Don’t you get that?”

Kane shoved aside the lingering aches and flew to his feet.  With a roar, he grabbed Reed by the throat and slammed him against the nearest tree. “Don’t you think we know when there’s something wrong with our mates?”

“She almost died.” The words were choked, but Reed managed to say them clear and calm.

“I know, you stupid deer.”

 

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The Battlefield is Prepared

modelMolly is entering 3rd grade.

It’s hard to believe that my little girl is in 3rd, and the baby is going into 2nd.

They start school in just over a week.

8 days.

Since mid-July I’ve been bracing for the upcoming struggle and battle.

Behaviors at home have gotten out of control again.

Anticipation always worsens the load for her.

I began in July.

I knew that it was on her IEP, but the school has convenient ways of forgetting these things during summer break.

I called the school office in July.

Voice mail told me the office was closed until August 1st.

But then July 31st we get the first official email from the principal. So I reply. I remind her of the IEP, and that Molly is to meet her teacher in advance.

And so, last week, Molly met her teacher. I met her teacher and was able to give a few ‘heads up’.

The school year hasn’t started, but I’ve prepped the field for battle.

I hate that I have to look at the start of every year this way, but I’m tired of her falling through the cracks and there being trouble because they don’t understand.

I’ve gone in guns blazing.

First battle is ours.

Now to finish picking up some sensory toys from Amazon. (Our favorites are the [amazon_link id=”B001EWC5M4″ target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]Tangle[/amazon_link] and the [amazon_link id=”B00A8PS4NC” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]Stretch Balls[/amazon_link])

 

A Moment 25 Years in the Making

*I’m totally re-exposing my nerd status with this post, but I don’t care one bit.

NKOTBWhen I was 12 years old, I was one of those girls…

With New Kids on the Block posters taped ALL over my walls.  The pictures ripped out of magazines, the buttons, all of it.

One thing I never got to do that I always wanted to, was go to a concert.

Last night (thanks to the help of a twitter contest from Bohlsen Group) I got to achieve that life-long teenage dream.

Totally bucket list worthy…and so much fun.

Of course, it helped to go with a fellow big fan – Heather…who was my date since I didn’t wish to torture my poor husband.

Indianapolis was the last stop on the package tour, so we got to see BoyzIIMen and 98* (98-who? The crowd thinned out at that point for bathroom breaks, etc…both Heather & I had trouble recognizing anything beyond 1 song, I think).

The sound quality wasn’t very good (I even had trouble recognizing very well-known NKOTB songs sometimes)…but still, just being there and being able to clearly see these men on stage was amazing…

And I have to say – they have gotten BETTER with age. I’ve always had a weak spot for Joe Mac…but now? He’s totally on my list (sorry, Hugh Jackman, you are no longer the sole person on ‘the list’).

My 12 year old self is so happy with my adult self.  Finally achieving a silly dream that still just made my year. Seriously.

One of the best concerts I have ever been to.

Bar none.

(my 12 year old self says it IS the best ever…she’s a bit biased)

Tuesday Tales – Smooth

Pretty young Native American woman in blue jeansThe prompt this week is Smooth.

Velli has an intentional vision that leads her in an odd direction, and leaves her with more questions than answers, as most visions do.

As always this is un-edited mostly, so forgive any errors:

The earth dropped out from under her and she fell. She landed with a grunt on a patch of grass. All around her stood tall walls of deep charcoal. With one touch to the smooth barrier of the closest wall she guessed some sort of metal.

A long howl sounded nearby, one so familiar her knees buckled at Tala’s sudden attempt to escape her bindings. “Easy, Tala. I don’t even know where we are.”

You fool. It is a vision.

“No. You’re the fool. It’s a vision, so that is not really Kane’s Wolf, just our interpretation of him. Whatever this is means something.” She turned a circle and noted four breaks in the wall like paths. “Could this be a maze?”

Our magic is not working.

“No, it isn’t. Not in here. We’re meant to try on our own, I guess.” Velli stepped toward the nearest opening. “What is it they say about mazes? Always go right and you’ll never go wrong?”

Without further delay she raced into the opening. At every corner and junction she turned right. Every time she’d made a dozen turns or so another howl echoed through the maze.

After she’d gone what she gauged to be a mile, she paused at a cross-junction. This time she waited for the Wolf’s cry to wrench the air. When it did, footsteps drew near. Rapid, small footsteps paired with heavier beats. Something small, smaller than a wolf, and something else. The sound muffled like a paw, but didn’t sound much like a Wolf.

To her left a flash of white fur appeared, rapidly followed behind by much larger gray fur. An albino fox tore past her, and the snarling lynx chased it without hesitation. Fear over both the creatures spurred her to follow and she tore after them.

Even in her human form she’d always been fast, but she could hardly keep up with the disappearing animals. They disappeared from view after two dozen turns, and Velli spun hopelessly at a junction.

A high pitched canine yelp was immediately followed by a feline shriek. A low deep growl echoed through the metal paths, one that was pure Kane. Both canine and feline whined before the air stilled again.

“Kane.” Velli whispered. “Where are you?”

His deep growl resonated from behind her. When she turned, the black Wolf had his teeth bared in a nasty snarl.

“It’s me. Kane.” She knew better than to show fear. Even though it was against her very nature, she knelt down until her head was lower than his. In this case he was allowed dominance. Her magic wouldn’t work, and her Wolf was bound. “It’s Velli.”

Teeth snapped in her face, deep snarls echoing in her ear. A whisper of a shout entered her mind, one that was not Tala. It had to be Kane’s Wolf. Betrayal.

“No.” She whispered. “I’m trying to find you.”

A sniff at her neck was the only warning before he bit down hard.

Velli fought against the urge to cry out in pain.

You will destroy them. Selfish. He bit harder and flung her against a wall before he turned and raced away.

“No. Wait. Who?” She stumbled to her feet, but didn’t bother to check her neck. It would ache for days in the real world, but no blood would fall. Not in a vision. Once she felt steady on her feet again, she ran after him.

He stayed close enough that she always saw his tail rounding a corner.

With one last turn the maze opened up into forest. Her heart ached at the familiar trees and paths of home. “Home.”

The Wolf stopped and his head lowered. Pain first. We will all suffer.

“I already am. Please, Kane. I must find you.”

It’s too late.

“Too late for what?” Velli didn’t have time to chase him, her arm was snagged. When she spun to face her attacker, she found her childhood friend, Melik.

His dark visage twisted in disgust. “You aren’t welcome. Be gone.” The words bellowed out and the scene wavered with the force.

Around Velli the world spun in circles until she began to slide down the tornado of green.

She dropped to the ground softly in an unfamiliar yard. Mountains spread out behind a simple house. Woods surrounded a small stretch of land. The home was unfamiliar but she knew without a doubt whose it was.

“Kane.” Velli rushed toward the house. Something made her stop before she got there, a sound. A Bobcat.

Velli walked to the edge of the driveway. Down the hill sat a pond, and there Kane stood at the edge. A Bobcat crept toward him and rubbed his leg with her forehead.

“Hello, little one.” Kane touched her forehead, but otherwise didn’t change his stance. From what she could tell, he faced west. West. Maybe he was looking for her.

“Kane.” Velli called out. When he didn’t turn, she leaped off the edge of the hill and tore through the weeds toward the pond. “Kane.”

The Bobcat stiffened and hissed.

“Kane, please. Hear me.” Velli burst out of the weeds, but the short strip around the pond suddenly seemed a mile wide. “Kane.

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