by Sarah | Dec 28, 2012 | ADHD - Adult, All About Erik, BiPolar, BiPolar with Hypomania, Depression, Special Needs
I have depression, amongst other problems and it’s killing me slowly, but surely. I’ve taken medications and been in therapy almost all of my life.
Nothing seems to take, nothing seems to help.
I have a wife, three kids and I should for all intents and purposes, be a happy person.
But I am suffering. I feel little else but pain and loneliness.
I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t seem to be able to escape it. It’s akin to drowning, being so close to the surface yet feeling the weight pulling me back down.
I want to be happy, to enjoy my family, to enjoy life, and be a happy, productive, positive person.
I seem to infect everything I do with my doom and gloom, my job, my friendships, my marriage, my kids, the list goes on. I suspect my wife is tiring of me. I think my kids are growing apart from me. I can barely function at work without causing problems. My friends don’t want me around because of my negativity and gloom.
I’m at the end of my rope.
I have been suicidal in years past, the most recent last year. I was in a group therapy class for a while which really helped, and some new meds that I really thought were working.
But my meds crashed hard on me, which they all do invariably. Tried several others this fall, had a myriad of bad side effects, so I decided (after discussing it with my Dr.) that I needed a medication break. I haven’t had one in several years and I have bouncing from medicine to medicine. But this leaves me in my bleak state, and barely able to function normally.
I think at some point I am feeling sorry for myself (or so some people tell me), that I am just wallowing in my misery. But I WANT out, I don’t want to stay like this anymore. I also think that if I dismiss my problems as feeling sorry for myself, I may not be accepting that I have a truly crippling disease. It’s chronic. It won’t kill me, but it will make me wish I was I dead. It will not eat my physical body like cancer. Instead it will feed on my soul until there is just a husk left, no personality or self anymore, just a mess of quirks and poor decisions, unlovable or unwanted.
Does anyone understand this? Do I feel alone for a reason? Or is it just self pity?
I have had a lot of people tell me that I just need to stand up and be strong. To read self help books. To suck up my weaknesses and stop feeling sorry for myself. I literally don’t know where I stop or start anymore. Where I belong in the world. I know that I need to be with my family, but I don’t want to drag them down to my depths of despair.
And that is where I am.
In despair.
I accept and own all of my actions as a result of my problems. I don’t advance at work. I don’t provide well financially for my family.
I am not the husband or father I want to be.
I am not the person I want to be, seen as someone who is likable and respectable.
Who am I? Where am I?
*Written by my husband Erik. He has spent the past year in deep struggle to regulate his depression/bi-polar/ADD issues – including a myriad of diagnoses & medications. Right now he is in a very dark place and has written this. With his permission, I post it. Please offer him as much support as you can.
by Sarah | Dec 27, 2012 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Marriage, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us
I’m not going to lie and come in here with rainbows & sunshine and say 2012 was the BEST YEAR EVER!!!
Because it wasn’t.
We had struggles. Financially, physically, mentally, we struggled. Kids went in the hospital, husband had medical issues of many kinds, I sprained my ankle, husband sprained an ankle, Kennedy came within inches of a feeding tube.
There have been lows. Some of them mind-numbingly bad.
But we are still here. Our whole family.
And beyond those lows – there were highs. Highs like we’ve never seen – and experiences that were beyond amazing.
For me, 2012 will be a year to be immortalized in my mental record books.
It was the year I dyed my hair purple.
It was the year I got published.
It was the year I swung through the trees.
It was the year I signed my first book contract.
It was the year I climbed mountains.
It was the year I signed 2 more publishing contracts – bringing my years total to 3.
It was the year Erik and I finally got a vacation.
It was the year I got to see Cirque (Creepy & cool).
It was the year I turned 36 – & finally felt like I’d come into my own.
It was the year I ran my first 5k.
I made friends out in that big world, my blog grew, my experiences grew, I grew. Sometimes out of struggle, but I still grew.
2013 has so much promise to it. Two of my books and a short story are all due to be published. I have more experiences waiting for me on the other side of January 1st. I know we’ll have struggles, I know we aren’t done fighting many of the battles we’re still waging today, and I know that there will be days I’ll want to give up.
But I also know – that I will emerge from each of those struggles. Maybe scarred, but always stronger.
So bring it, 2013. The Promises, and the Struggles. I’m ready for you.
by Sarah | Dec 25, 2012 | Books, Changing Tracks, Hump Day Hook, Writing
Time for another Hump Day hook. While I’m waiting for my editor at Secret Cravings Publishing to get back to me with my edits, I’m getting a little antsy now that the distraction of Christmas is over. Soon enough I’ll be wishing I could go back to the days of not pouring over edit notes and corrections.
Until then, I thought I’d give a glimpse into the future of The Dominion Falls Series. Book 3, called Dark Territory has a scene set soon after Christmas with my FMC, Jane, discussing Christmas presents with her bestie, Kat. I decided to use that to keep in the spirit of the season 😉
In the scene, Kat is admitting that she thought the man she (scandalously) lives with might ask her to marry him again after she turned him down the first time. She reveals she had expected an engagement ring as her Christmas present…and what she got was…
Keep in mind, this is ROUGH 1st draft, & I haven’t touched it in over a year…it’s waiting for rewrites…so be kind:
“He kept hinting that he had gotten me something special for Christmas. I wondered if he wasn’t going to risk asking again.” Kat fiddled with her napkin, biting her lip as her cheeks flamed as red as her hair.
“He didn’t…”
“It was a new bed warmer.”
Jane’s eyes grew wide and her lips quivered with barely contained laughter. “A….A…new bed…warmer?”
“Shhhh,” Marjorie pursed her lips. “It’s not that funny…”
“Of course not.”
“Jane…”
“A bed warmer?” Laughter burst from its seams and Jane covered her mouth to try to stem the volume.
“He wanted to make sure my feet were warm,”
Hump Day Hook asks authors to post one paragraph of one of their stories, whether a WIP, one contracted, or already published. Please visit and comment on the participants – you might just stumble on the next great read for your library! To see more participants, click on the HHH banner below:
by Sarah | Dec 24, 2012 | Holidays
The presents are wrapped. The stockings are hung. The cookies are baked. The tree is lit.
Tonight is the night of hopes, dreams & wishes for young and old. The night where each of us believes in Santa. The kindness of man. The giving of spirit.
This year our lives have been touched with great joys, our lives have been touched with deep sorrows.
Tonight is the night we hope for everything for our children, for our family and friends.
May all your wishes come true.
May your lives be touched with human kindness as ours has.
May you be able to share that joy with others.
May you have peace. If only for a day.
by Sarah | Dec 21, 2012 | All About Family, All About Me, Crap, Random
[flickr id=”8275837319″ small=”thumbnail” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]2012 has been a very long, and painful year.
Struggles have abounded. Many that you’ve seen, some that I haven’t been able to post about (or started to, but had to stop because we’re not as out of the mess of it as we thought we were).
The pain and struggles have taught me a number of lessons, important lessons. Lessons I will carry with me into 2013.
For now, though.
For now I’d like a measure of peace.
A few days to breathe.
To not pretend this year has been great, that I’m fine, we’re all fine.
Good things did happen, yes…a few very wonderful things.
But bad things have too – and the bad things have beat me down a bit.
So, just for today.
For today I’m going to submerge in peace.
