by Sarah | Jan 27, 2011 | All About Me
I’m the silver lining girl.
I feel the tug of depression sometimes…not severe, not all-consuming, but present.
Stress rips at my skin so regularly I’ve formed a thick hide.
Chaos exists in every corner of my house. From the over-filled kitchen cabinets, to the baskets of laundry not put away, to the toys strewn across my girls bedroom, even the clutter under our bed.
Yet I am still the silver lining girl.
In 98% of the cases I am able to find the good and put it out there. For myself, for my husband, for my kids. It’s a necessary part of who I am. In this world we have.
That’s who I’ve put onto this blog.
Even the past six weeks where I’ve put out there my current battle with melancholy – I still push up my positive views.
Before my world got new levels of insanity in December, I started to dive deeper into who I am. I mentioned that I had come to a realization about my blog and where I wanted to take it. I never got the chance to dive deeper into that. I’m going to.
There are things I never say.
I never talk about.
I have issues with this in my real life.
I don’t know what the switch in my head is that turns me into a bundle of nerves. So afraid to put my real feelings out in the open. What sets my mind spinning into circles, shutting my mouth so tight you couldn’t pry one word out of me. Not willing to hurt the feelings of those around me. Or suffer rejection or pain myself.
It has carried onto my blog.
Things I won’t talk about for fear of upsetting my husband. (This has been met and discussed. Once he is feeling better, both he and I will be confronting and discussing this right here on this blog).
It got worse on my blog when the internet world got smaller. When I got onto Facebook and my family started reading the blog.
Things I won’t talk about because I don’t even have the guts to talk about it to their faces. To confront things that have happened.
Part of me has always been like this. Part of me is a result of events in my life. Part is something I don’t understand about myself, hate about myself, want to make better about myself.
I don’t want there to be things I never say.
On my blog.
In my life.
Ever again.
by Sarah | Jan 26, 2011 | All About Family, All About Marriage, Crap
(Clean) Laundry piling up.
School issues arising.
The husband in the depths of darkness (another post for another day).
And Angel running around w/ my bra on her head.
At least Riley has started eating again.
*Might or my not be typed by my nose as I was in a straight jacket on my way to the looney bin.
**Okay, not really. But could you blame me?
***I’m pretending I’m not insanely jealous of my friends heading to Blissdom
****Is it February yet?
by Sarah | Jan 24, 2011 | All About Denver, The Teenager
Time sometimes flies like a bird, sometimes crawls like a snail; but man is happiest when he does not even notice whether it passes swiftly or slowly.
~Ivan Turgeney
Thirteen years ago this minute, as I was in labor, I still thought he was a girl. The ultrasound said girl. Everyone said girl.
My dreams had said boy.
My morning walk to induce labor I had stopped not at the girls clothes rack, but at the tiny little suits, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the teensy little ties.
After three false labors I was forced to sit in the hotel room my Mom had reserved utnil I “Finally” stopped screwing around and gave birth already. (For the record, Brandon was only 1.5 hours “early” for his due date.) When my contractions were finally 3 minutes apart, my mom called my OB, who then demanded to know why we waited. She, in her dry and sarcastic glory informed him that she wasn’t about to take me in if I wasn’t going to actually have the baby.
And so Brandon made me a parent. With his perfectly round head and surprise appendage that made him decidedly NOT a girl, & made me wonder how in hell I was going to raise a boy.
But he was perfect.
The gorgeous blue of his eyes made me fall in love in an instant.
Everything on time. Every milestone reached at JUST the right moment. Every clothing size changing right at it’s declared time (0-3 months? Gone at three months. 3-6? Gone at six…it was eerie).
He was happy. Smart. Playful. Loving.
He was my world.
He was my mom and dad’s world.
The first born grandchild. The first born great-grandchild.
The star.
Our family grew. It changed.
Not always in the best, most fair ways for him. In truth, sometimes he was forgotten, because he was so ‘perfect’. So easy in comparison. (I hate myself for it, but it is true).
It never made him less loved.
In many ways, being the parent of a tween was infinitely harder than raising the young ones. He isn’t satisfied with easy answers. He sees the world around him in such a different light. He sees things that a younger child wouldn’t. He understands and absorbs everything. Things that I sometimes haven’t the slightest idea how to explain to him, to clarify.
Right now he is struggling, battling against an internal battle I can’t resolve for him.
But in his heart – he is a good kid. He is smart. He is still loving.
He is annoyed with his parents. Embarrassed that his mother wants to (i.e. is going to) get a tattoo – and has forbid her to do so…(*snort* Like she’ll listen). He hates failure. He strives to do his best and no one is harder on him when he fails than himself. Interested in photography. Science. Math. Writing. Cross Country.
He dreams big.
He struggles to fit in.
He is 13.
In so many ways.
He is my baby.
In so many ways – he always will be.
Happy birthday to my oldest, my first born.
13 is a big number. But you’re just getting started.
by Sarah | Jan 23, 2011 | Photography, Weekly Winners
All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi.
Reaching – I was reaching for my camera more. Reaching for the exit to my funk. In the process, I reached out and captured some beauty in the every day.
Flawed Beauty
*The picture is infinitely imperfect – but I find incredible beauty in it
Petals
One Rose
Color Blast
Ay, There’s the Rub
Parfaition
Intensity
In Control
Heavenly
*Oh how I’ve waited to finally manage this level of moon picture again. I’m still working on perfection, but this…this is my happiness.
See more of my favorite photos over at my flickr account.
That’s all for this week. Head on over to Lotus‘ digs to see more!!
by Sarah | Jan 21, 2011 | Random
I’m getting used to waking up at 6AM every day.
I hate it.
But I’m getting accustomed to it.
The pace of the mornings.
Getting Riley up. Making her lunch, making Archie’s lunch, his breakfast of eggs.
This week I took steps toward some of my goals.
Angel and I went to the library where I picked up some books and I’ve been reading diligently. I’ve started writing again. At least half the week we sat down and ate a healthy meal as a family. I made my husband’s lunch every day. I ate healthier. I was frugal at the grocery store (and only shopped the outside, went down only the cereal and baking aisles). I finally took down our tree and started cleaning. I’ve been using my camera.
All very baby steps.
Leaps and bounds aren’t being made in my slump, but I feel a little better. I’m trying my hardest to fight yet another oncoming cold – hoping the tickle & dry cough mean it isn’t serious and will pass quickly.
In an effort to push myself, to do things I’m proud of, I’ve been setting more firm and concrete goals.
I want to read 50 books in 2011 and I’m tracking it.
I’m setting a goal to complete another novel this year. Or a novellette (1 of the 2 I have in mind is shorter). I will be tracking this one, too.
I’m also planning on setting a photography goal. I can’t commit to 365, but I’m tossing around a few ideas for weekly challenges/themes. This is something that isn’t set in stone yet, but I’m working on it.
The week hasn’t been perfect. We had one brief crisis. It passed. We’ve had a minor concern, that we’re trying to keep minor.
Day by day.
Less than two weeks until the big appointment for Brandon. For Angel. For our nerves.
I’m sounding like a broken record.
I hate that.
I will do better.
For now this is how I deal with it all. Once I get writing more, all of my aggression/tension/depression will be dispensed onto my characters, and that is always wonderfully cathartic.
Until then bear with me. It won’t always be about me.
I’m the silver lining girl.
