by Sarah | Jan 19, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
It was a “magical” cure my Mom told me to take every time I was on the ‘verge’ of getting better from a cold or a flu.
It did help.
At one of the online hangouts I go to there’s a running joke. “Look Normal!” is the call. One person has a picture of a (normally) stunning actress faking a smile so comically it looks photoshopped into a Jim Carrey/The Mask-ish twist of her features (it isn’t, I’ve seen the scene the screen capture came from).
That…is what I feel like now. I’m crying out “Look normal!” I’m pushing myself into taking care of house and home, husband, kids. Getting into life-breathing activities like reading, writing, food.
But it’s a mask.
I don’t feel okay.
Archie has picked up on this…and in his current state of mind…he thinks it’s his fault or I’m mad at him. I’m not a shiny, happy person right now.
I don’t know how to get back to that.
In the past few months life has been hard, my sense of reality has been turned on its head…but we’re all here. We’re together, happy, nothing catastrophic is happening right this minute.
So I should be happy.
But I’m struggling to return to “normal.”
I went through a bout like this a couple of years ago. I tried getting some anti-depressants from the doctor.
Let’s just say the treatment was worse than the problem.
Out of the handful of antidepressants I’ve tried (for different reasons, over the course of many years)…I haven’t reacted well to any of them. From tremors to NOT sleeping (literally. I didn’t sleep for 1 whole week once – it wasn’t pretty)…drugs & I do not mix.
So, I’m afraid to try again. Terrified, actually. I didn’t like not sleeping, and I didn’t like the way my brain felt on them.
Plus.
I’ve seen depression.
I see it on an almost daily basis. I support it. I live with it. I’ve seen what it is like to NEED medications.
That isn’t me.
I’m just in a funk.
A lousy funk that I haven’t been able to fake my way out of.
Remember that good cry I said I’d never had?
I think I need it now.
Otherwise things might get ugly.
by Sarah | Jan 18, 2011 | Writing
I posted a few months ago that the end of the year is always bad for my writing. I wasn’t kidding.
I didn’t write another word for almost 3 months.
My primary blog received daily (or near-daily) doses of posts.
None of that was especially “Creative” writing – it’s certainly not fiction and sometimes painful. My fiction, my created worlds, they all faded into the background.
Real life was very difficult on me. Holidays weren’t so merry.
My muse, she ran away from the bad juju and took a long extended vacation. (Side note: She loves Mexico and tequila…and there may have been recreational drugs involved)
I can’t say that I’m back in full force.
The muse, she is creeping. Slowly. Allowing bursts of words to spill forth before downing another shot of tequila and declaring a migraine from the pressure.
We’re easing back into it.
Part of that is for me to return here. To be more dedicated in my posts.
Which has always been difficult for me. I don’t feel like I have room to post here frequently. I mean, what can I post about that isn’t out there already?
It’s of no matter. I’m here. This is my journey.
And I will post.
Perhaps not every day, but I am making a concerted effort to put aside time and post, as well as write, at least every other day.
Even if it kills me.
by Sarah | Jan 18, 2011 | All About Molly, Autism, Failure to Thrive (FTT)
Riley is almost six years old.
At last check, she weighed a tiny little 37 pounds to her almost 4′ frame. Which puts her BMI once again well below the growth chart.
Then…
She stopped eating.
We don’t know why.
Or how to stop it.
Her beautiful long platinum locks got thinner and thinner. Weak. Stringy.
Her already skinny frame is getting skinnier.
Legs long enough to fit into size 6.
Waist tiny enough to fit into 4T’s.
She won’t eat.
Unless it’s pancakes.
Mac & Cheese.
Hot Dogs.
It has gotten to the point where a peanut butter & jelly sandwich that has been asked for is snubbed.
Food.
Unappealing.
Whether it’s the texture.
Or the taste.
We’ll be spending the money for an appointment with the ped.
We’re reaching alarming levels.
Her autism is rearing its head more, her behavior unpredictable.
I’ve cut her hair in an attempt to make it appear thicker. It’s cute, but I miss the beautiful long locks.
I’ve made allowances and fed her outside of what we eat (a habit I’m sickened to start…the rule has ALWAYS been eat what’s in front of you). We’ve been giving her boxes of her sister’s Boost to make sure she gets her vitamins, minerals, and extra calories.
We’re worried about what this is going to mean for her in the near future.
But she can’t go on like this.
Neither can we.
by Sarah | Jan 17, 2011 | All About Denver, Crap
Proving he’s more like me than maybe he’d like to admit – the boy hates being in limbo.
The unknown.
Unanswered questions.
Like a thousand pound weight they bear down on him.
Turning what was a well-behaved, maturing pre-teen into a sullen, moody, lying, ignoring his homework teenager.
Yes, I’m sure part of it can be attributed to the fact that he IS a teenager now (or will be in a week)…and there’s hormones and all sorts of craziness, and two sisters that garner much of his parents attention.
But it’s also largely the unknown.
He doesn’t fully understand Cystic Fibrosis.
And all of my explanations and answers can’t change that.
He’s scared.
He doesn’t know what it would mean for him.
He can’t figure it out without an answer.
If it comes back negative, relief will sweet through each and every one of us.
If it comes back positive…
It will not be easy.
Not that it was “Easy” for Angel – but she is growing up with CF. It is ‘normal’ for her.
Brandon will have to learn a new ‘normal’.
But he will learn. And be able to deal. And cope.
But that can’t happen without answers.
Getting out of limbo.
Limbo sucks.
(16 days to go…if the results are back in time for that appointment.)
by Sarah | Jan 16, 2011 | Photography, Weekly Winners
All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi.
Unfortunately I totally spaced out and didn’t get pictures of us ACTUALLY playing (on family game night…either of them) – but this is me just goofing around to get some pics. Once in the beautiful snowfall and once w/ food as I was prepping lunch for the hubs.
Swish
Peeking
Flaked
Splash of Red
Floating
Rolled
Organized
Sliced
Topped Off
Stix
See more of my favorite photos over at my flickr account.
That’s all for this week. Head on over to Lotus‘ digs to see more!!
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
