by Sarah | Apr 12, 2019 | 50 before 50, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Bucket List, Gratitude, Oola, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
I have this friend that every time we talk, something profound comes out of it. Even if I tackle her with an inane conversation, or I just message to give her a boost or vice versa. Maybe it’s that she’s a shaman, or maybe it’s that sometimes I need to chatter my face off to find a message sometimes, who knows?
Over the course of several months she’d been having a rough time. Between living in the middle of a desert, the government shutdown affecting them, and missing Christmas, she was…stressed.
However, for the same amount of months she’d been talking about the biggest message she’d been receiving in all of her studies, card readings, spirit messages…it was always SURRENDER.
We were discussing the difficulties she was having, the tension she felt, everything all in a nutshell. I was letting her vent, really….when I made the offhand comment:
It’s hard to surrender when you’re holding your breath.
We both kind of stopped right there. It was a big “Whoa” moment for us as we read and re-read the words I’d just typed.
Apparently as much as she needed to hear them, I did as well…because I realized that I’d been doing the same thing, for MONTHS. With the hope and anticipation and this sense of NEEDING to go home to Florida, I’d built up so many levels of tension in all of it. Some days I couldn’t breathe for all of it.
BREATHE.
Do you know how important it is to breathe? Not just for the fact that it keeps you alive…I’m not talking about that breath, really. I’m talking about holding our soul’s breath.
Waiting…
Anticipation…
Fear…
Doubt…
Excitement…
It holds our souls captive. It locks them in a cage and hides them away from what could well be the next miracle around the corner.
BREATHE.
Right now.
Stop. Whatever it is you’re doing, stop.
Release the tension you’re carrying in your shoulders, your jaw, your neck, your heart.
Breathe out long and slow in release.
Explore what’s causing that tension.
Where are you going? What are you doing? What’s the biggest anxiety in your brain?
Surrender it.
Turn it over to whatever God, Goddess, Nothingness you wish. Give it over to the universe.
Nope. It’s not easy.
It’ll come back to haunt you. To put those knots back in your shoulders.
BREATHE.
To hold your brain hostage.
BREATHE.
To nag at your sense of peace.
BREATHE.
But when it does, you have a weapon.
You let it go.
You breathe.
You release.
You surrender.
Stop holding your breath.
by Sarah | Apr 8, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Animal. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month the animal made itself known to me in many ways. Not just because of April the giraffe having another baby popping up in my feed everywhere, but in many other ways. A tag clip at work with a baby giraffe on it, a random screensaver on the computer facing me that featured a giraffe, an internet search for something unrelated popped up an image of a giraffe.
I didn’t balk, I took the message and began to search.
The giraffe had so many messages that spoke to me this month. I hardly know where to begin.
The giraffe is a stately animal, but powerful. With one swift kick it can kill a predator. That’s how it protects its calves. The giraffe is also seen as very spiritual, for the way she kneels to sleep it appears as though she’s meditating or in prayer. The time they are most vulnerable is when they lower their head to drink water. Because of this, they can last for up to a month without water. Though her tongue spans over 20″, she rarely makes a noise we can hear — rather the giraffe communicates with body language.
Her messages were many, and so clear and strong. The ones that speak most to me are:
- The power of silence. Quieting our spirit and centering.
- Seeing the “big picture”.
- Remain grounded without losing that higher perspective. (oh, this one is tough right now)
- When your life is chaotic, keep your head up and avoid getting entangled in needless argument.
- Fully appreciate what you have, and give freely without expectation.
Some of these messages mean even more than I can divulge at the moment…but I’m holding all the lessons close to my heart and spirit.
What animal is speaking to you this month? Do they have lessons for you?
by Sarah | Mar 29, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
After my girls were born I was out of the work force for quite a while. It just didn’t make financial sense for me to work and pay for 3 daycare spots. I wouldn’t have a paycheck when all was said and done. Then their special needs started making themselves known and it was all said and done for quite a while.
When hubby and I decided that it was time for me to get back into working, I had to work on my resume. Between that, and actually filling out applications, a disturbing pattern began to emerge.
I had missing time in my jobs.
I knew I never went without employment until the girls…but how could I be missing a year?
I sit there over and over running the dates…
“2001-2002 I was with the bank, yes. That’s right. Then in 2002 I did the bookkeeping thing for the shop for…oh, I don’t know. Was it a year? I think so. Okay. That takes me to 2003…but then. What? I didn’t start back with the bank until 2004. What in the world did I do in the interim? Did I work at the shop longer? NO…No. I know I didn’t.”
A full year that I couldn’t not remember for the life of me. I thought maybe I had the dates of the bank and the shop wrong, but I knew I didn’t because I was working at the shop when I got married.
I mean, seriously.
What happened during that year?
To this day this still happens. I don’t have to fill out that far back on resumes and applications, but as I fill them out, I think back to this blank space of time and wonder.
Every once in a while, like right now, it’ll hit me and I’ll remember EXACTLY what I was doing in that time. I’ll be in shock that I could forget such an esteemed position in my career trajectory and then…a few days, or weeks, down the line I’ll forget again.
So now…while I’m remembering, do you want to know?
Well, I’m gonna tell you either way.
For a year I held the esteemed position of Assistant Manager at a Credit Union Service Center. We performed transactions for most of the area credit unions.
ASSISTANT MANAGER in finance/banking. That’s no small potatoes.
And I constantly forget it ever happened.
A year of my career.
Gone.
So I’m glad you know, because maybe next time you can remind me when I forget again.
It’s gonna happen.
Probably before this even posts.
by Sarah | Mar 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
*~*
A few weeks ago I posted about my ability to hold a grudge.
One phrase has stuck in my head since I wrote that surprisingly cathartic post:
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
In my attempts to get into that Oola state, I was more focused on “this is toxic, cut it out” than HOW I was taking action. By writing it down, my brain latched onto it in a way I didn’t expect.
Then something wonderous happened.
I filled a few grudges with helium.
Initially I likened it to an epiphany…but I don’t think it was. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was that phrase working its way through my mind. Helping me to process some of the feelings I’d been holding onto so tight.
I realized that I’d chopped at that toxic relationship and received nothing in return. Nobody bothered to miss me…
But then…I never thought about if my actions…or inaction, as it were…might have hurt them just as much.
I saw only my side. My pain. My anger. My suffering.
I caught glimpses of happiness in their life and I was bitter that my departure had no effect on that happiness.
The moment I saw what I’d done, how I’d acted and reacted, that grudge expanded with helium. It went from being a dense boulder to a much lighter load.
I’m not saying it’s gone, floated away in the breeze.
It’s still there, but it’s bobbing along with me as I work my way through the rest of my feelings with less pain and anger.
I’m able to say “I miss you” without any malice or bitterness.
I can mean the words.
I can truly miss someone, and not want to re-enter the relationship.
In some cases, maybe I do want to build on the relationship again. In some cases, I have.
I don’t have to.
And that is oddly freeing to know.
I’m feeling much lighter now with fewer boulders, and more balloons.
One day I know a few of them will float away completely. I may not even realize they’ve gone until they’re well out of sight.
And that is just fine.
Because I’ve gone from a brutal axing, to a departure of love.
by Sarah | Mar 4, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Animal. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month, the first month, the animal is…of all things…a skunk.
Hey, I don’t pick ’em…these suckers show up to me. I know they’re weird – it’s fitting because so am I.
Anyhoozles…onto Mr. Skunk.
First reaction to this spirit animal might be to wrinkle your nose and back away.
When you look deeper though, there’s more to him than that scent – although it’s a big part of who he is.
A skunk doesn’t use his spray lightly, he only does so when it’s absolutely necessary because it’s actually draining for him to use it because it takes a week to refill. It is a last ditch effort, which actually makes him the ultimate pacifist.
Skunks have few natural predators because their reputation precedes them. Their distinctive color and scent make most back away. There is a natural boundary to them. If you study them, though…they are actually adorable and playful animals.
The messages of the skunk all spoke deeply to where I am now in my growth and life.
- The skunk symbolizes the need to live our lives authentically (I’m working on being my true self these days, no matter what), and to build confidence in ourselves.
- He tells us to have my strength of will & independence (will power is always my biggest struggle)
- Develop trust in yourself, build your intuition. Go with your gut. I hear it often, but sometimes I forget to listen.
- The skunk offers a keen sense of balance – because they don’t attack lightly, every situation is weighed.
- Meet life’s challenges with a calm and peaceful heart – my biggest struggle to date. I enter panic mode (or anger mode) way too quickly.
- The last message he’s bringing for me is also one of the biggest messages I need to follow. Find the balance between being a people pleaser, and your self-respect. Create boundaries.
The lessons from skunk go deep into my current process of learning to love myself for who I am…and by extension heal myself by forgiving others and establishing boundaries for myself while simultaneously opening myself to new connections.
It’s life on a tightrope, but skunk’s lessons help me find that balance and stretch out in my space.
An unexpected companion for my February, but one I’m appreciating the more I study on him.
by Sarah | Feb 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect
I am the queen of holding grudges.
No, really. It’s kind of sad, actually.
I still hold a grudge toward a former best friend from middle school that pretty much destroyed every hope I had of having friends by spreading a ridiculous rumor to make herself more popular. It worked, and I definitely still get a visceral reaction to the memory of her. I know this because the other day we had a patient with the same name (clearly wasn’t her because she’s from Buffalo, I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years now).
There are a couple other grudges that I’ve held onto for a long time…but I won’t go into details.
We’ll just say…
QUEEN OF GRUDGES.
My faith, unlike some others, doesn’t have a specific “rule” about forgiveness. It’s not a commandment or anything.
However, if you look at the Wiccan Rede (An’ it harm none, do what thou will), or the Rule of Three (Whatever energy you put out comes back to you; threefold)…those grudges can affect both principles. Holding grudges might not harm them, but it harms me. It’s only causing myself pain. Holding grudges, gives that negativity, that harshness, its own room, its own space to grow and build and turn back onto myself.
I think my biggest issue is that most of my grudges aren’t so much out of anger, but out of deep-seated pains.
If I take a hard look at what I’m holding onto and letting block me from others…
It’s because of the pain I was caused. How deeply I was hurt.
Instead of healing that pain, I’m holding onto the grudges, letting myself separate from the pain by declaring anger and using that grudge like a shield.
It’s not the way I want to live my life any longer. I want to find the joy. I want to live an Oola life. And while cutting out toxicity is necessary to attain some level of Oola…
Sometimes I think I’m doing that wrong.
I’m letting go with pain, sorrow, loss, and sometimes anger.
I’m not forgiving the actions or the people as I release them.
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
I don’t want to make room for pain any longer.
I want to make room for joy.
I need to find the space to forgive.
I need to gather all of my grudges and fill them with helium…
And release them with love.
I have this friend that every time we talk, something profound comes out of it. Even if I tackle her with an inane conversation, or I just message to give her a boost or vice versa. Maybe it’s that she’s a shaman, or maybe it’s that sometimes I need to chatter my face off to find a message sometimes, who knows?
