by Sarah | Jan 7, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, I am a Geek, I Am Polish, I'm A Reader, I'm A Writer, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me, The Geek
Everyone puts a face on. They put out a persona on social media, or in real life, of who they want to be, how they want to be seen, a way they think people will like them. We’re extremely adaptable in that way. It’s not wrong, but sometimes we get lost in the shuffle.
I sure as hell did.
I’ve spent a lot of years chipping away at myself to mold myself in a way I thought I would fit. It started in 6th grade when the bullying started (another post for another time, but it was BAD)…and even today between my social anxiety and my chipping away at myself I’d become someone I didn’t recognize.
Oddly enough, the trigger point for me deciding to abandon this practice was the supreme court nominee and the subsequent uproar.
Let me tell you one thing, as a person who hates confrontation and is easily triggered into anxiety by political/religious discussions, discussions of assault, discussions of race…well, it’s a slow process to emerge from that tiny little shell I’d built for myself.
So here I am…taking a step to tell you who I REALLY am behind that facade I so carefully built.
I am a mother of three who sometimes feels completely inadequate as a mother.
I am a former dancer who misses the dance.
I am an author who writes sometimes dark, but always complex romance.
I was born and raised Republican in a suburb of Buffalo…but turned full on liberal in a gradual course that’s led me to not recognize how I could have been raised by such staunch Republicans.
Human kindness and decency win for me over greed and controlling – thus I = liberal.
I may be a part of a cult…okay, not really but for the first time in my life I tout that a self-help book changed my life (you know, that Oola thing)…because it HAS.
I am a Wiccan/Pagan who draws tarot cards and oracle cards. I have studied under a shaman I’m happy to call my friend and an Ojibwe Medicine Woman whose course has had another profound effect on my life. In the past several months I’ve made big steps forward in my faith and feel myself growing because of it.
^^I have ALWAYS hidden my religion unless I’ve felt truly “Safe”…because I live in the bible belt. My parents all but disowned me when they learned about my religious preference. I was raised without church, but my parents went bible-thumping crazy when we moved to Indiana. I joined them for a while but several events made me step back from that faith and find one that spoke to my soul.
I don’t care what your religious preference is, I care what sort of human you are. If you offer to pray for me or wish me a Merry Christmas, I am NOT offended. Love and support is welcome no matter the form.
I am a survivor of sexual assault. I was date-raped by my high school boyfriend on several occasions (including being forced to lose my virginity). I was being groomed by my aunt’s husband for who knows what. This is still VERY triggering for me.
I didn’t tell my mother until 15 years after the grooming about my uncle. It took two more years to tell my father. I’ve never told either about my high school boyfriend.
I love my kids beyond compare – and am way too easy on them sometimes, and way too hard at other times.
I believe my kids should follow their dreams and their happiness – not go to college just because it will “help” them. In fact, if it will send them into debt, I don’t see the point.
I have let things slide I never should have to make & keep friends. I’ve ignored racism, assault, and drama just to belong. Years of bullying left me desperate. I’m desperate no longer.
I’m learning that sometimes you just have to cut people out. I suck at it, but I’m learning.
I currently hate my body. I went from being harassed for being overly skinny, to not recognizing myself with the weight I’ve put on. I know it’s unhealthy to hate my body that’s done so much good (hello, three kids)…it’s just where I’m at. I’m working on it – and being healthier to take care of it. If I’m not treating my body like shit I could love a healthy size 10 or 12 or 14 instead of hating whatever size I am (I’m afraid to try anything on to find out what it actually is). I’m working out and eating better, but it’s baby steps to the elevator.
I am a GEEK. Seriously…Star Trek, Harry Potter, Star Wars…the things I was picked on for in high school are stupid popular in some ways now…or maybe I’ve found my geek tribe? Either way, I’m proud to be a geek.
I’m a sometimes voracious reader (154 books in 2017…only 26 in 2018…it’s a roller coaster), who will now read a wide variety of books. I used to hate non-fic, but I’ve found several that worked for me. I love my books.
I’ve raised my kids to be proud of their otherness, their weirdness. Though I’ve struggled with that outside feeling for so long…I’ve never wanted them to. It seems to be working.
I only hope it does. Because the world would be boring if my kids weren’t their weird, dark, geeky, glorious selves.
by Sarah | Jan 4, 2019 | 50 before 50, All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Bucket List, Community, Florida Dreaming, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
Several years ago we decided that we wanted to leave the land of the midwest and journey south to Florida. Our son moved down two years ago, and his move rather cemented the idea in my head – and with a bit of nudging (or years, you know…potato/potahto), the husband was on board as well.
In 2017 we made actual plans to tackle our debt, get things in order to move in five years. 2022 seemed a good year. The girls would be nearly grown, and we could make our way down much more financially settled .
Eyes on the prize, we dug in. Lapses occurred, things bounced forward thanks to my new job, then went back again. You know, life. We did what we could.
Then, 2018 happened.
2018 brought about trigger points for many changes in our lives – and our future.
We found Oola in late 2017 and used it in 2018 to refocus our goals.
A slimy, underhanded, jerk of a man bought land on our quiet street and plans to build as many rentals as he can.
We were told in no uncertain terms to go for it.
Relationships in our life took turns.
Most of all – we got tired of waiting to chase our goal, and decided to make a mad grab for it.
In June we sat down and had a good long talk and decided we didn’t want to stay here any longer. We decided we were done waiting for our life to happen. We decided to go for broke and make the leap.
With a target date of mid-2019, we’ve set things in motion to move. In some ways we still don’t know how. Finding a job in another state, in a low level position is NOT easy. I’ve been at it six months, so I know. I took the holidays off, but come next week I’ll be back at it hard, with two letters of reference in hand to help boost my resume. I’m going in full bore. The husband is going in full bore.
This is going to happen one way or the other.
2019 is the year of redefining so many things in my life…but the biggest is how we’re going to redefine our future by no longer staying where we’re comfortable. We’re breaking out of our comfort zone. It’s terrifyingly exciting.
by Sarah | Jan 1, 2019 | All About Family, All About Home, All About Me, All of Us, Florida Dreaming, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
Happy new year! Welcome to 2019, the year of possibility, of joy, of redefining so much.
2019 I went full on with another unusual word – yet not so much when you look at this blog.
REDEFINING.
2019 I’m going to redefine so much. Our lives, our family, our future.
I’ve struggled with many things in the past couple of years.
The meaning of friendship.
The meaning of peace.
Depression.
Balance.
Too much, vs. too little.
Oola.
My faith.
Being true to myself in every area.
Avoiding the world.
Trying to dive into the world.
My job changing.
My writing (or lack thereof).
My weight.
Myself.
As 2018 began to wind down much faster than it began, I’ve been digging in, holing up, searching myself and my heart.
I’ve found that I can look at all the inspirational memes I want in the world. I can echo mildly in my head their words and sentiments. I can cheer on others as they take steps or find new meaning.
But what good does any of that do if I don’t GO ALL IN.
This year I’m redefining myself. I’m going all in. I’m baring my soul, my true heart. I’m probably going to lose friends, but I’m probably going to gain friends, too. I’m going to be open, honest, wholehearted, unflinchingly myself – even when it’s uncomfortable to do so.
The only way to make true change is to make yourself uncomfortable. To step outside of the comfort zone.
To document this – I hope to keep this blog going, to keep myself in check, to see the changes as they come.
So, come on 2019 – let’s do this. I’m ready to be redefined.
by Sarah | Dec 18, 2017 | All About Me, Dance, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
*Apologies to podophobes around, as I am one, a post about a foot is so unappealing to us, I know…but it is a tale that needs told. A warning, if thou will.
Once upon a yesteryear I was a dancer. Tap, jazz, ballet. Group dances, solos, I even taught the young’uns how to dance. I started dancing at the age of 3, started teaching at the age of 10. In middle school I choreographed our musical. I loved to dance. I plan on reclaiming that love, but that is a post for another day. This post is about my feets.
As a dancer, my feet took a lot of abuse. Not as much as say, a prima ballerina in pointe shoes all the time, but they took abuse.
On top of that I have a genetic quirk I get from my mom. My big toes have been crooked from day one. Instead of sitting straight, they turn in.
I know, big toes turn in a little, is normal…but no. Mine turned way in. Like, it nestled beneath the second toe all of my life. This natural “quirk” meant I have had ever-growing bunions from the teen years.
For many years they did not cause me pain. In fact, my running joke was that most people have to jam their toes into the points of heels, but my toes naturally had that shape.
They didn’t hurt…until they did.
In 2012 I first saw a podiatrist. He said we could fix the foot, but if it didn’t hurt, he suggested just watching it.
So we watched.
Then I started working in places where I stood on hard, unforgiving, concrete floors for 40 hours a week.
Then the pain edged its way in.
In 2013 I went to the podiatrist again. We scheduled a surgery.
One week before Christmas I went under the knife for the worst of the two feet. For six weeks I painfully remained off my feet, then painfully returned to walking. My podiatrist did not send me to physical therapy, just told me walking would return the flexibility to normal.
So I walked.
And I waited.
And I walked.
And I waited.
And the pain never got better.
I would be “okay” one minute, and the next the pain would spike through my big toe like you wouldn’t believe.
I had no flexibility.
Yoga (which I LOVE) was painful.
I waited three years. The pain wasn’t going away. There was no flexibility. I didn’t know what to do. Worse, my other foot was hurting me in ways my right foot never did.
So I went and found another podiatrist.
We sat and talked a long time about my options. What surgery was possible. I had to choose between my left and right foot. The right foot would be a corrective surgery and in the doc’s words, “I don’t know what the last doc did, so I won’t know until I get in there what I will have to do for sure.”
Hubby and I talked it over, and finally decided to have corrective surgery on my right foot. I was not about to risk surgery on a perfectly good foot when my right foot still hurt.
So in 2016, I had a corrective surgery done on my right foot.
Afterwards I had high hopes. The pain was far less for this surgery. My surgeon had me walking pretty much immediately after (in a cast). Things were looking up.
Then they took off the bandages and my toe was straight! My foot looked like a Franken-foot…but dang, was that toe straight!
I went to Physical Therapy and did everything he told me to do at home.
Hope was high.
Then the high began to wear off.
Because of the wire he installed in my second toe, there is no flexibility in it. I can’t point it.
Because (I would find out at a follow up appointment) of doing TWO surgeries on my big toe…I would, forever, have pain…because the double surgery caused arthritis (which I was not warned about).
In fact, instead of lying under the second toe, the big toe now having crept back toward crooked now pops up over top of the wired-stiff toe.
I don’t have as much pain as I did, but it’s still there. My toe is still not straight. I have lost all forward flexibility in two toes…but I can do yoga.
So there’s that.
I guess.
Long story short…no one is touching my left foot. Ever.
I want to dance again…and I might be able to do it with one bum foot.
I won’t be able to if I let them near foot number 2.
by Sarah | Dec 1, 2017 | All About Me, All of Us, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
Everyone is talking about it these days, thanks to the Black Friday madness surrounding a few certain toys.
31 years ago was the Cabbage Patch Craze, frenzy, nightmare for parents whose kids really wanted those dolls!!
My parents…were one of the unfortunate many.
I wanted a cabbage patch. I wanted it BAD. Just like everyone else on the planet.
For weeks my mom searched, every store in the Buffalo area (where I grew up), was sold out. The phenomenon had made it impossible to find a Cabbage Patch doll in the Western New York area, it seemed. She got so desperate to make me happy, she made me a homemade version of a Cabbage Patch (that I still have, actually).
At the same time, my brother played hockey. A lot. On a travel team with a group of kids, at least one of whom would become an Olympian and eventual Pro Hockey player.
That travel team aspect meant I was dragged along all over the east coast and Canada to go to stupid hockey games. I got to see a lot of neat places, but I had to watch stupid hockey.
One one such tournament we were somewhere in Canada. I can’t say for sure where, because honestly at the time I didn’t care. I was trapped where I didn’t want to be, with annoying teenage boys. I did have my books, that was good. It kept me pretty occupied, ignoring the chaos in the hotel halls of the boys playing hall-hockey (what? You never played? It’s fun! Mini-sticks…wait, I’m digressing).
One afternoon we were all hanging around in the hotel room, bored and waiting on the game to start in a few hours. For once, the hotel was pretty quiet, I’m not even sure why.
It was…until suddenly a voice BOOMED down the hallway:
“THERE ARE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS AT THE TOYS R US ACROSS THE STREET!! I REPEAT: THERE ARE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS AT THE TOYS R US ACROSS THE STREET!”
My mom took one look at me, another at my dad, then threw on her coat and joined the MASS exodus from the hotel.
Everyone, and I do mean everyone, made a mad dash and bought out the Toys R Us across the street from the hotel.
That, my dear friends, is how I got Daisy. The first in a string of Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Did you have one? Do you remember how she or he came to live with you?
by Sarah | Aug 21, 2017 | 45 before 45, 50 before 50, All About Me, All of Us, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
Some years ago I created a 45X45 list of 45 things I wanted to do before I turned 45. Over the past six(ish?) years I’ve revised it several times…adding things and taking others away.
This year, I turned 41. I’m creeping up on 45 faster than I like to think about, mainly because I didn’t feel I had enough of the items on the list done. Of course, there were a few things I wanted to add as well.
So I sat down with my list, looked it over. Once again I did some trimming, cut a few items, then I added some more.
I’m super excited to tackle the list. There are at least two items that I get to cross off within this next month, which will be really cool. The solar eclipse is a given, and I’m going to where there will be 98.99% coverage, so bonus! Then, at the end of the month hubby and I are heading to Disney World (which we will return to in December…woot)…which, since I went to Disneyland in May, will put me in both US based parks within a one year span!
After that…there’s a lot of options ahead of me. Take a look at my new list:
50 X 50
Take a real vacation. (Not to Buffalo, not w/ the kids) (Done 4/23/12)Take my kids to Disney World. (Done, thanks to Make-A-Wish 10/28/14)See my name in print (get published, e-zine, paper-zine). (Done 6/24/12 – Sirens Call June 2012 Issue)Have a novel published. (Done 2/8/13 – Changing Tracks & 17 more times [so far] by 7/18/15)- Get my Dominion Falls books series in front of a producer.
- Completely tidy my house [w/reference to KonMari]. (Started w/ my clothes. Lots left to do)
- Take a photography class (or 2 or 3)
Perform on stage again (done 12/4/15 – Violet Grey in A Charlie Brown Christmas)- See Colorado
- Camp – really camp in the Rockies
- See Yellowstone
- Go skydiving. [Yes, I feel slightly insane here]
Go to a blogger’s conference. (done 4/23/12)- Sit at a book signing.
- Get on a regular exercise regime & stay on it for more than 3 months.
Hand craft (knit, sew) 1 item for ME for a change. (DONE 4/1/12)- Make a complete Victorian era dress from skin out. (underthings complete, corset 50% complete)
Get some crazy color in my hair (purple, blue, pink highlites/streaks) Done 2/11/12- Read the Harry Potter series aloud to my girls. (2/3 of the way through by 8/4/17)
- Sing Karaoke
- Get up close with the wolves & photograph them at Wolf Park.
- Move to Florida.
- Pay off debt.
- Get a car that is less than 2 years old
Run a 5k. Done 9/22/12 Do something daring (paragliding, zipline, etc.) Done 7/14/12See the butterflies at the Indy Zoo (Done 3/19/13)- Learn sign language.
- Go on a road trip with a girlfriend
- Go on a hot air balloon ride
See Cirque du Soleil (Done 6/27/2012)- Ride a horse – not a trail horse. A real ride on a horse.
- Volunteer
- Stop drinking pop
Visit Disneyland (Done 5/2/17)Get a tattoo (Done 7/16/11)- Go on a Cruise [preferably Alaskan, but I’m not picky]
Go on a wine tasting (Done 10/16/10)- Get a Henna tattoo
- Take my husband to swim with sharks
- Fly first class
- Read at least 50 of the 100 Greatest Novels (I am saying the book can be from either of the 2 lists there. In total I have read 8/50 at this point)
Have a real spa day (Done, thanks to Hubs, 7/2014)Visit a real haunted location (Done 7/16/16)- Sell a photo
- Visit Salem, MA
- Visit both US based Disney Parks in one year.
- See a solar eclipse.
- Have one of my pictures on the Indianapolis Zoo website.
- Go through a sweat lodge ceremony.
So, I have to pick one to do next. Which would you choose?
Everyone puts a face on. They put out a persona on social media, or in real life, of who they want to be, how they want to be seen, a way they think people will like them. We’re extremely adaptable in that way. It’s not wrong, but sometimes we get lost in the shuffle.
